The Television of my Mind

Red Green: So the other day, me and the boys were sitting around the lodge listening to this tape Harold had come across of some Comedian saying his colon was the strongest muscle in his body. He could pass Elvis through his colon.

"That's nothing!" says Moose Thompson,"I could do that with one anus tied behind my back!"

Well, I'll tell you - there was a, a bit of a hush in response to this.

Now, this statement would be troubling coming from anyone, but coming from Moose it takes on the disturbing possibility of being factually accurate. There are a few rather alarming parts to this statement.

Firstly, Moose said 'one' anus, implying he has more than what I've always assumed is the usual complement. 'Course, this may actually go towards explaining the smells Moose is able to generate with alarming frequency. He's been known to unload a gitch-load of flavour on many a new Lodge member. But that's neither here nor there.

Secondly, this additional uh, orifice, is not located in the customary location East-South-East of the navel.

Thirdly, it's an outie. Sufficiently so to make it feasible to tie it behind his back.

Luckily before the silence became uncomfortable, Moose, perhaps sensing the tension, added "...uh, metaphorically speaking."

Whew! Nice save Moose. Way to keep your stick on the ice.

So until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
-Red Green.
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I wrote that scene with a buddy of mine a few years back. This seems like an appropriate forum to record the many odd things that make me laugh at inappropriate moments in my life.

Fairly Warned.

Buster

Man alive I love this quote.

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.
Agent K, Men in Black

Along with

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling
something."

I dislike how jaded and cynical this is but I have trouble refuting it. It's just fun and amusing to me.

RECAP OF LOST LUGGAGE

Khan!!!
(Director:) A little more anger Bill.
KHAN!!!
(Director:) Okay, now just let it all out. Just, just let it go. Really give in to the anger.
KHAAAAAAANNN!!!!

Director's Commentary: Now don't get me wrong, we liked Bill's performance in this scene, but we felt it was a little understated. I mean, that's Bill now isn't it? It's a great example of how much internalizing the man does with his characters, but I think in this case it was a detriment to the film. We really wanted Kirk to be outraged by Khan's actions here, and I just don't think we got that.

So, it was with this in mind that Rick Berman and I started to look around for a captain who could really emote. I mean, EMOTE. Big enough to distract and gloss over the 'plots' we'd be hacking out every week on Voyager. So, you can understand how overjoyed we were to get the frigid zeppelin that is Kate Mulgrew.

(off camera) Yeah, that was a coup.

Director's Commentary: Absolutely.

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So does anyone else have these kinds of conversations at work? Please note, the 'frigid zeppelin that is Kate Mulgrew' is the work of my buddy Alex. Kudos!

So, talking about the hassles our techs endure trying to fix things today and we got to talking about the extreme security measures some of our clients have. After being all but strip-searched on the way in for recording devices, our tech gets the same treatment on the way out. Did you want us to fix the damn machine or not?

Then the next guy walks in with a metal briefcase and the guard says 'Oh, it's a printer!' - "Actually, it's a device to measure Radar, but if you want to call it a printer, by all means."

This got us thinking about how to prepare for next time. We're thinking put a Radioactive warning label on the toolkit, and when they go to inspect it, hand them some HAZMAT gloves. Tell them you have a 'training video' of the proper method to open the case and show them a clip of Spock melting in the reactor core from Star Trek 2. Or maybe the opening of the Ark of the Covenant.;)

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Now I'm waiting around for a print to finish so I can load the machine for the night and get going. Funtime is all the time.

So remember folks, if you ever feel lost or unsure, just ask yourself "What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?"

Buster

DAMN IT!

ALWAYS save as draft before you preview! GAH! I just lost 20 minutes of BLOG.

Ich

getting sick. I recommend Cold F/X I have no idea how or why it works, but man alive does it ever.

I do NOT want to get out of bed this morning. So tired. I babysat 3 kids last night until midnight. They were golden - excepting some minor issues.

alright. Really have to get up now.

Short time reader, first time blogger

Okay, so WHY can't i set the snooze interval on my freaking alarm clock? Is this not the most obvious function for an alarm clock to have? Is this not the logical extension of HAVING a snooze button?

And who decides the length on these things? Nine minutes. NINE? How many times have you said "Just 9 more minutes, please, I was up all night." ? NONE. That's how many. None times. And if I remember my None Times Table, None x Anything=


Okay, so here's what I want. Get me an alarm clock that I can set the Snooze interval on, make it have a Weekday and weekend setting. Make it have a Maximum number of snoozes allowed feature so that when you try to hit it after you've maxed it out, it plays a file you've recorded that says like "Nice Try Dink!" or whatever you want it to.

Heck, let me sync it to my mac or my palm or whatever so that IT knows when I have to get up. "You have a meeting at 7, it takes you 20 minutes to get there, it takes you 30 to have a dump, get your ass out of bed!"

Dude, that would rock so hard. An alarm clock that's online, you could set it for different time zones, so you know when to call someone. And hackers could actually wake people up or screw with their clocks.

Alright. Enough for a first.