I've got a bad feeling about this...

Hh.

Wow, I just read a lot of stuff. Blogs of friends of mine. Weird, weird shit going down, and no idea what to do about it. On the one hand, I could just throw in the towel, wave goodbye and walk away. Half the blogs I read were pushing for that.

Or I could stay. Maintain the oddly complex friendship, which while difficult, would be very worthwhile, I have no doubt.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anybody, but will it be more damaging to stay for a while and then go, or to just cut and run now? Wow, that's a much more interesting term in this context- morbidly humorous.

I know I 'should' leave, there are forces moving me in that direction. I find myself very reluctant though. I wonder if this is my rescuer complex? If so, it's quite insidious. See, it comes down to this. I want to prove that life is good, that it's not all about any one person. I want to prove that there ARE people out there who can be counted on, because that is true. And I want to give people's head a shake when they can't see anything beyond 'me, me, me'. It's totally unrealistic to think everything is about you. I know very few people actually CONSCIOUSLY think everything is about them, they're not sitting there saying, "I've got more fries than they did, the waiter must think I'm a pig!" or "I got less fries than they did, the waiter hates me, the cook thinks I need to go on a diet, everyone is gonna notice and laugh at me up their sleeves, they're all out to get me!" things like that. Actually, I know there are those who think that. Paranoia, I think it's called.

Hh. I seem to be getting off track here. Not that there IS a track. Have you ever noticed that sometimes you learn something about someone and it becomes a defining feature of them for you? Like, they like anal or something. Maybe it's just me, but that sort of thing happens to me. I don't like it, I have to fight it.

And I don't think that's the case here. Here's a very important link. I think it's important, at least.

Quite informative, if you scroll down and read it through. Go ahead, check it out. I'll wait.

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Anything sound familiar? Now, I'm not trying to say THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!
We all know I'm not qualified to diagnose a damn thing, other than a graphics issue. I do NOT want to be beating you over the head with this shit. I DO think there is a strong possibility that the treatments used for this could be helpful to you.

I think it comes down to your perception. You do seem to think everything is about you. And boundaries seem to be extremely difficult for you, like they are totally unfair or something.

I think it comes down to me. I care for you. I think you are a really good person. It hurts to see you hurting. I can handle that. I'm not opting out - even though I see this 'coupon' as being manipulative, and potential emotional blackmail, which I honestly don't think was your conscious or at least primary intent... There's no question that this is a test. Denial be damned, the truth is this IS a test. Opting out means total exclusion. I think that's stupid. I'd prefer to be like K on this. If that isn't possible, if that's too painful, then you can opt out - no recriminations, no blame, you do what's best for you.

To be honest, REALLY honest, No sugar coating, no nothing kind of honest. I'm pissed off at this. I know you feel like you always have to be someone other than who you are - that's YOU feeling that. That's YOU telling yourself that. No basis in fact. I know, I've been there. I'm STILL there. Thinking low of myself, thinking that everyone else thinks I'm a fucking moron. Thinking my boss' every sigh or aggravation is somehow my fault - it's all bullshit. It's not all about me. The world does not centre on me. NOTHING centres on me. I die tomorrow, the world continues, maybe twelve people mourn. The wake could be catered with a pack of timbits.
Who FUCKING cares? What my boss thinks of me does not change a damn thing about what I had for breakfast. What I think my boss is thinking is still ME thinking it. It's ME judging me, not HIM. If I want to know what someone thinks of me, I should just fucking ask them. D'you see that?

Everytime you think someone else is thinking something about you, they're NOT. It's YOU doing the thinking, it's YOU judging yourself, it's YOU projecting your own self-love or self-hatred or whatever onto them. YOU. not them. They're trying to remember that funny thing that Leno said last night so they can talk about it at work and not look stupid. Good fucking luck buddy, Leno ain't said anything funny, EVER.

See, this is me being honest and passionate. Passion is caring. I don't want to see you making the same mistakes I have. It's your life though, not MINE. You can't live it for anyone else, and they can't live it for you. Them's the breaks. Shit's tough all over the place.

Go check out Homewood. I hear good things about it. I'll blog again later. I gotta get to sleep.

Oh, and who gives a fuck who reads your blog? If they can't handle it, don't fucking read it. Self-censorship in blog-therapy is Bullshit. Hell, make another blog somewhere else and don't tell anybody how to get to it, if you have to. Just write! You don't need to take responsibility for others feelings.

Right. Going to bed. I'll blog again on this subject. I hope you do too.

Buster