Baby steps feel like Freefall.

Just a poetic way of saying this small thing feels huge and terrifying. I can't see my friend anymore. It's my decision, if not my choice. I never realized that a choice and a decision were two different things. Everyone makes choices, mostly unconsciously - choices are easy. They don't have huge repercussions. Choices are made by the Child in everyone, Decisions are made by the Adult. Decisions are good, but they're not easy. Decisions are not, cannot be made lightly.

CEO's who make millions of dollars a year make Decisions. They may only make 1 a year, but they EARN that money. They have to make a decision that will affect Billions of dollars, and thousands of lives. And they are held responsible for the consequences. That's what a decision is, it may be contrary to your wishes, you don't want to make the decision, but you have to.

It's Deanna ordering Geordi to fix the leaking reactor, knowing it will kill him. It's Churchill letting Coventry be bombed so the German's won't know their codes have been broken. Decisions can haunt you the rest of your life.

I have made a decision. Possibly the hardest I've ever had to make. I have weighed all options dispassionately and come to a conclusion. And I do NOT like it at all. It makes me feel like a failure, a coward, weak and stupid and cruel and worse.

I have to walk away.

I'm ending a friendship when a friend needs me most. Were I a believer- Lord have Mercy on my soul.

I'm more sorry than words can express. I'll miss you, Amy.
I wish you all the... well, everything really. I'm sorry.

Charles